I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
