i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
