dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
