Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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