I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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