The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
