Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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