At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i dont even know how to be here
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
