I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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