did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
