The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
