I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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