i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
