It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We left the knife in your bed.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
