the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
