are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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