Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
