I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think my vagina is haunted
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
