If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
