does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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