I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
