Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
