My liver just broke up with me...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
