I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
