our cab driver is having phone sex.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i've created a new STD.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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