Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
