I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
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