Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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