I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
how drunk are you?
Several
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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