YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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