Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
