please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
