the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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