I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
