Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
