theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
