should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
