I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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