I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
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