I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
