So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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