Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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