i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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