Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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