You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
