I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
