The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
