a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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