I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
