Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
