I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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