tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
